I got two books, a white book and a blue book. And by that you can gather I got two sorts of stories.

​

To test you out, why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. What, no? You got to go further back than that. These are old jokes. Why did the chicken cross the road? For some foul reason.

It says in the white book ... listen,

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was very, very popular.

​

Now listen! You can't expect too much from the white book. This is the book. This is where we all get pinched! I don't care. I'll go. I've been there before, I have. I won't walk. I make them get the barrow out. I'm on the BLUE BOOK now.

She was but a village maiden,
Who's to say she was to blame?
But alas a wicked squire
Took away her honest name.
So she journeyed up to London
Seeking to forget her shame.
When another wicked squire
Took away her other...

'Ere... I got another one here.

​

Which would you like, the blue book or the white book? You like both don't you?

Listen, I was in Spain four years ago and in Spain all the girls wear little knives in the top of their stockings. I found that out. So I said to myself, I'll find out exactly what the idea is so I said, "What's the idea of wearing a knife at the top of the stocking?" She said, "That's to defend my honour." I said, "What, a little tiny knife like that?" I said, "If you were in Brighton, you'd want a set of carvers!"

Mary had a little bear
To which she was so kind.
I often see her bear in front...  

I'll get on to the next joke here.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Just like two cock linnets.
Jill came down with half-a-crown,
She wasn't up there two ... 'Ere.

​

I better stay on the blue book ... eh? I think so, yeah?

Adam and Eve in the Garden dwelt,
They were so happy and jolly.
I wonder how they would have felt,
If all the leaves had been holly!

​

Listen, listen, are you listening? Right.

Father and son, the boy would be 8 or 9, he may be 10, we don't know, who cares anyway? His father took him to a cattle show on Saturday afternoon where the farmers were buying the bulls and cows, mostly bulls, when all of a sudden the little boy saw a farmer go up to a bull and the farmer started feeling the bull all along the back, he was feeling it, all down and all round, feeling all over. And the little boy said, "Daddy what's he doing?" And his father told him. His father said, "He's feeling to see if there is any meat on it. If there's any meat on it, he's going to buy it." The boy thanked his father for telling him. Two or three weeks later, the boy went to see his father at breakfast. The father asked him what he wanted. The boy said, "I think the butler wants to buy the cook."

​

'Ere, It's people like you who give me a bad name!

There were eight women in a boat and one was expecting a happy event. The other seven wanted to help her, but they were all in the same boat.

Now there's a clever one!

Have you heard about the girl of eighteen who swallowed a pin, but didn't feel the prick until she was twenty-one?

Now this is the one Max fans argue over.

 

Did he actually tell this joke on stage or didn’t he? Some say he would never have told a joke of this type and others maintain they heard him tell it on stage.

I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.

​

I don't care what I say, do I?

 

Mary had a little lamb

Who acted very silly.

She plucked the wool from off its back

And smacked its Piccadilly.